What’s been going on?

Hello dear readers, it’s been a while since I’ve logged in into WordPress. While the temperatures here went up, my mental health decided to decline. My mood is low and concentration zero. I’ve tried  to read some posts here and there but when depression strikes that can be a difficult task. So I’ve retreated. This is been going on since the middle of July somewhere.

When August came around I had difficulty moving and doing things. Anything became such a chore and I heard that besides being a pain in the ass, I was a horrible nag. I myself, didn’t notice that.

When depression comes, I’m scared to admit that. I keep resisting.

When time came to visit my psychiatrist I prepared my upcoming visit with Pierre. So when I thought I was doing not ‘that bad’ I heard that ‘it was that bad’. I’ve stopped sitting in front of a screen and blogging fell off the wagon. I had some posts scheduled but even to read the comments and to react seemed so meaningless to me. My life was like a bowl of pasta without the sauce. Not so fun to eat but necessary to stay alive.

Depression is like eating pasta without sauce, bland but you know you need to swallow it.

My psychiatrist said that there was no use in staying that way and he prescribed new medications. One dose went down and two new antidepressants made their entrance. As always I was very enthusiastic to give them a try. It didn’t work for a whole long 9 days. It’s just so frustrating to experience that nothing seems to help. I tried to apply all the things that I could do, that I enjoy doing and that I know that they help me. Nothing did. I was tense all the time and tried to keep my mood ‘stable’ as in not to blow up at people that I love dearly.

Finally last Saturday we had a family get together to celebrate Mother’s Day. We invited my in-laws (mother, father and sister and their dogs) for a fun barbecue. It was such a relief to see some other faces. I love Pierre to pieces but we’re in a soft lock-down again since the 23th of July. We’re pulling through what they call the ‘second’ wave of Corona, which in my head is just still the first one. We’re not allowed to see more than 5 people for the month of August. That is also my birthday month. No party for the big 4-0.

Sunday I felt a little better, my mood was more stable and I could enjoy some things. I even enjoyed the pouring rain during the heatwave. That was a treat! Tuesday came around and my doctor told me that the medications are working, that they will continue to help me to get better. He also recommended – hold on to your chairs and fasten the seatbelts – some exercise! Oh no! I need to become more active (ok, I can see that that is a point that needs to be worked at) and the best option would be to move for 30’ every (!) day. Walking the dog more often – as I suggested – was dismissed because of ‘not active enough’. He also didn’t give a new appointment but said to call him if things don’t clear up further. What kind of message is that? When I need my prescriptions refilled, I can mail him. Maybe I’m overthinking all of this, but it doesn’t vibe with me well. Some one any thoughts?

Today was a fresh day and I started with a gentle good morning session of yoga (after dusting off my mat), followed by a 11’ work-out with an app. Beginners level and not too difficult … the app said! For me that was enough to become sweaty but also proud of myself. Maybe I made a new beginning. My head says otherwise and it can be confusing on who to believe but I’ll give this movement thing a go. I hope I’ll shed some pounds while I’m ‘getting more active’.

Both my therapists called the up coming session(s) off because of one, the heatwave and second Corona. So here I am, with new medications, mixed feelings about my recovery ‘plan’ and in a soft lock-down. How does that seem to you? Am I nagging again of are these some special circumstances that everybody would struggle with or is this my mental health playing a big part in this?

And you my lovelies, how are you doing? Are you coping with Corona well? Maybe you’re out of lock-down. I hope so! How is the mental health community doing? I’ve missed you all and I hope I can get back on the blogging train as soon as possible.  

41 thoughts on “What’s been going on?

  1. Walking the dog is great exercise Kacha. It just depends on whether you walk him for a minute or take him with you to explore parks and trails or even an empty field. Teach him to catch a Frisbee and you’ll both feel better and in better shape.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I was thinking just the same. As my birthday is coming up I asked for a Frisbee for dogs. I tried a regular one but Churro doesn’t have the hang of it (yet). We try to play fetch with a ball. Luckily for me it results in a lot of running around for me as he won’t give the ball up!
      As for walking I also agree with you. I need to explore more with him but sometimes I’m still anxious as Churro attacks when he encounters other dogs (he is a fighter) and most of the dogs here run around without a leash. 😱
      But both, him and me, we’ll learn to get the hang of it 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. First of all Happy Birthday! You’re lucky to have a dog, I really miss mine. I used to buy Frisbees by the dozen but really she was just as happy with a stick. 🐶

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you for the Birthday wishes 🙂
        I’m sorry you don’t have your dog anymore. Must be hard to miss her.
        They chose what they want to play with and there’s no arguing about that!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve been depressed lately too. My husband won’t let me keep coffee in the house because he says I need to leave the house everyday to get coffee. It counts as my walk. My depression isn’t linked to the pandemic – I’ve been dealing with it for most of my life. Been dealing with some bad depression recently so I can relate. It seems to come and go in waves.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry that you don’t feel well lately. Your husband has a good way to get you moving. I agree that going out of the house counts as walk or exercise.
      I can relate also to depression coming in waves, I just wish I could see the horizon at least. With the pandemic was straw that broke the camels back.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. The camel’s back broke last year for me. Things have not been the same since. The pandemic was more of a hiccup for me, if anything. It’s frustrating when the horizon is nowhere in sight, or it’s near but not within reach. Kinda hard to be happy when you’re stuck in the same environment day in day out.

        I left the house for iced coffee this morning. There was a bunch of construction so I took the long route. I’m guessing I got 3,000-5,000 steps which is good enough for me. Wasn’t wearing my Fitbit so I really have no clue how many steps I got. I’m actually thinking of selling my Fitbit since I don’t really use it.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That is one of the difficult point for me too, how to be happy when all you see are the same walls with the same, very limited social contact. Not that I go out a lot but I like to have the option, to feel more free at least.
        Thanks for commenting, I feel a bit understood 🙂

        Like

  3. I’m glad you’re starting to feel a bit better, and I hope the meds continue to get more effective.

    Walking the dog seems like a very good form of exercise to me, and it makes it more interesting than just going for a walk on your owner. And more walking means more potential for social interaction, which is so much easier when there’s an animal to focus on. Hmm, maybe I should figure out some kind of harness system to strap a guinea pig onto my chest for walks…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, I hope the meds will continue to do their job too!
      I’ve seen people walk a rabbit in a harness and cats too. Maybe something like that exists already for piggies.
      You can show people who makes the expensive poop that will cure all of their diseases! 😁

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m sorry you haven’t felt well and I feel honoured that you commented on my post the other day.
    You are over-thinking the doctor I think.
    If things are going well, you request new meds through your usual channels.
    If things aren’t going well, they are there to speak and presumably adjust things if necessary.
    How many meds are there? So the odds are, they will fail, otherwise, we would all be taking them!
    And be very careful – for my wife’s 40th (39 actually) she got a baby!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. What a comment Pete! I will be very careful when I open my presents, a baby would be the biggest surprise 😂😅😅😅
      I guess you’re right about the doctor and the meds, it’s just that I’m seeing him over a year now. I felt better and then depression came to disrupt it and now the doctor and Corona disrupt my recovery (it feels a bit like that). I think I’m still a bit over-anxious for things to go ‘wrong’ again. It will take some time to ease up a bit and to gain some self-confidence again. But I’ll get there ’cause my stubbornness comes in handy for once!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m sorry you feel more depressed. I think I would also feel a bit annoyed if my psychiatrist didn’t set up another appointment after a medication change when I was not doing well. I would also be upset if therapy was cancelled. I’ve been struggling through the last couple of weeks while my therapist has been away – another week to go! 😦

    Liked by 2 people

    1. The whole thing throws me off my balance. It’s challenging to keep a process going (doctor, therapist) when every other appointment gets cancelled.
      It is a struggle but I hope you’ll find the courage to pull through the week to come.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. I think it’s fine to exercise an amount that’s smaller than 30 minutes because that way you might slowly build up to 30 minutes, which you won’t if a doctor goes “no small steps” like some person who hasn’t heard about gradual change.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Good point! I’m starting with 10 to 15′ which is challenging already for me.
      I think when you build up activity is can be even more rewarding because you can see the progress you’ve made.
      Thank you for stopping by and commenting!

      Like

  7. Doctors are frustrating. I’m not thrilled with my psychiatrist. She doubled one of my meds and said to call the office if I need anything and made an appointment for 8 weeks out. I feel a little lost and after our last conversation I felt like a burden to her. Not a very comforting feeling.

    I’m terribly sorry you are struggling. I’ve been up and down myself. Jase’s parents have a 1 year old puppy (Chloe) that I’m going to walk a few times a day as they are unable to walk her. I will think of you and Churro and hope walking him will help you feel a bit better. I’m proud of you for starting to work out with an app, that takes a lot of motivation 🙂

    I want to run back into the woods with my tent. I can feel depression knocking on my door being back in society so much.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s not fun that your psychiatrist gave you that feeling. It can be weird sometimes. I had the same feeling but Pierre says it’s a sign that I’m doing better. I still feel a little lost but on the other hand I feel less dependent if that makes sense.

      Walking Chloe sounds fun, I bet she is such a sweetheart! Good for you that you’re able to walk her a few times a day, that is quite a lot! We can walk our dogs ‘together’ in ‘thoughts’ 😀
      The app is fun to do and makes me sweat and rises my heartbeat, so I guess that’s fine. Everything for a good night sleep!!
      Are you planning to go back into the woods? I can imagine it being quite the shock to enter society again with the ‘busy’ life. Sometimes it feels so strange, the way we live with the daily hussle …
      I hope you manage to lead depression around the bushes! Take care🌼

      Liked by 1 person

      1. We are going to look at a apartment this morning close to Jase’s parents. They need some help. will be interesting to see how things unfold.

        I like that Pierre says it’s a sign you are feeling better. I like his optimism 🙂

        I hope you had lots of joy on your bday in these odd times. Cheers to walking dogs together in “thoughts”

        Hugs to you Kachai

        Liked by 1 person

  8. That’s such an illustrative way to express your experience, “a bowl of pasta without the sauce.” I know someone who hated pasta growing up because they were always given plain boiled noodles. Food with no pleasure is such a chore to consume. I’m glad that you are finding more sauce for your life lately!

    I’ve been a bit down and low energy myself, partly because it’s summer and I’m not into sunny days. I have gotten a bit more walking in as temperatures started to go down. That’s weird that your doctor didn’t think walking the dog was enough. It seems like Churro’s companionship would be so motivating!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry that you’re not feeling your best lately. When the weather is too hot, it can be difficult to continue our normal routines. I myself find that can be disruptive.
      I’m glad you’re able to go out for a walk more and I hope that will help you to feel better.
      I take track of my ‘movement’ in my bullet journal and walking with Churro is definitely on there no matter what my doctor says.
      I know what he means by ‘being active’, it needs to be some activity that gets your heart rate up. Studies have shown that that type of exercise is beneficial when dealing with depression. He also was very clear that the activity needs to be something that I really like doing, so points for the doggie there! I’m trying to find a middle way.
      Thanks for your nice comment, always a pleasure to read your input!

      Liked by 1 person

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