Hello dear readers, it’s been a while since I’ve logged in into WordPress. While the temperatures here went up, my mental health decided to decline. My mood is low and concentration zero. I’ve tried to read some posts here and there but when depression strikes that can be a difficult task. So I’ve retreated. This is been going on since the middle of July somewhere.
When August came around I had difficulty moving and doing things. Anything became such a chore and I heard that besides being a pain in the ass, I was a horrible nag. I myself, didn’t notice that.
When depression comes, I’m scared to admit that. I keep resisting.
When time came to visit my psychiatrist I prepared my upcoming visit with Pierre. So when I thought I was doing not ‘that bad’ I heard that ‘it was that bad’. I’ve stopped sitting in front of a screen and blogging fell off the wagon. I had some posts scheduled but even to read the comments and to react seemed so meaningless to me. My life was like a bowl of pasta without the sauce. Not so fun to eat but necessary to stay alive.
Depression is like eating pasta without sauce, bland but you know you need to swallow it.
My psychiatrist said that there was no use in staying that way and he prescribed new medications. One dose went down and two new antidepressants made their entrance. As always I was very enthusiastic to give them a try. It didn’t work for a whole long 9 days. It’s just so frustrating to experience that nothing seems to help. I tried to apply all the things that I could do, that I enjoy doing and that I know that they help me. Nothing did. I was tense all the time and tried to keep my mood ‘stable’ as in not to blow up at people that I love dearly.
Finally last Saturday we had a family get together to celebrate Mother’s Day. We invited my in-laws (mother, father and sister and their dogs) for a fun barbecue. It was such a relief to see some other faces. I love Pierre to pieces but we’re in a soft lock-down again since the 23th of July. We’re pulling through what they call the ‘second’ wave of Corona, which in my head is just still the first one. We’re not allowed to see more than 5 people for the month of August. That is also my birthday month. No party for the big 4-0.
Sunday I felt a little better, my mood was more stable and I could enjoy some things. I even enjoyed the pouring rain during the heatwave. That was a treat! Tuesday came around and my doctor told me that the medications are working, that they will continue to help me to get better. He also recommended – hold on to your chairs and fasten the seatbelts – some exercise! Oh no! I need to become more active (ok, I can see that that is a point that needs to be worked at) and the best option would be to move for 30’ every (!) day. Walking the dog more often – as I suggested – was dismissed because of ‘not active enough’. He also didn’t give a new appointment but said to call him if things don’t clear up further. What kind of message is that? When I need my prescriptions refilled, I can mail him. Maybe I’m overthinking all of this, but it doesn’t vibe with me well. Some one any thoughts?
Today was a fresh day and I started with a gentle good morning session of yoga (after dusting off my mat), followed by a 11’ work-out with an app. Beginners level and not too difficult … the app said! For me that was enough to become sweaty but also proud of myself. Maybe I made a new beginning. My head says otherwise and it can be confusing on who to believe but I’ll give this movement thing a go. I hope I’ll shed some pounds while I’m ‘getting more active’.
Both my therapists called the up coming session(s) off because of one, the heatwave and second Corona. So here I am, with new medications, mixed feelings about my recovery ‘plan’ and in a soft lock-down. How does that seem to you? Am I nagging again of are these some special circumstances that everybody would struggle with or is this my mental health playing a big part in this?
And you my lovelies, how are you doing? Are you coping with Corona well? Maybe you’re out of lock-down. I hope so! How is the mental health community doing? I’ve missed you all and I hope I can get back on the blogging train as soon as possible.