That’s what I thought last year, when I made an attempt to sit still on my mat. It was supposed to help me with my depression. And it didn’t. What now? As I explained in a previous post, there is a difference between alone-less-ness and solitude. As my mind became more quiet with the help of medication and I’ve found some beginnings of stability in my mood, I tapped into my ‘Inner Quiet’.
I enjoy being alone! Not too much alone time is good for me, neither too little. It’s about hitting that sweet spot. And I thought to give meditation another chance. No, it actually found me as I like to read various articles on the net.
After my workout, I cleaned up the room and myself and sat down for five minutes. My posture was ok, nothing was hurting me or my heartbeat didn’t go through the roof. I wasn’t worried about how to hold my hands or if I was doing it right. I counted by breaths when my mind started to wonder about what the neighbors might be up too. (As a side note, I don’t know what my issue with neighbors is but it’s always something. It could be me though).
I let my eyes rest and followed my breathing. Sounds came and went through the open window and I felt the morning breeze on my face. And that’s it, there was nothing more or less about it.
I don’t care if I’m doing it wrong, if my posture is not 100% correct or that I shouldn’t count my breaths. I’m happy to found that stillness inside of me. It was gone for so many years and in those five minutes I made room for it. I invited it. I don’t know if it will come next time, but I’ll be sitting on my mat.