Is depression always around?
I hope not but I’m afraid it does. That would be my honest answer to that question. At first my depression was always in the forefront of all my days. Everything was grey and every day was the same. Over time I experienced some hours when I felt better. I distinctively remember two mornings when I felt quite good. This was good and also unbelievable. Slowly and step-by-step those periods became longer, when I say slowly I mean over the course of a few months. Then there was a good day! Yeey!
I thought my depression was gone only to have it show up the next day. It felt very dishonest, like it was playing with me. I was not in charge. One big step I could take was to have my mood more stable through medication. It gave me something to cling on.
After some more time, I’ve realized that I could actually do something when the more bad days appeared. I’m still figuring out why they happen and if there is even a ‘why’ to discover. My guess would be that an internal battle takes a lot of resources. Then I need to be very careful to determine what that battle enhances; is it useless rumination or am I working through my past emotions? Internal work is also work.
Does depression play hide and seek?
I thought so but now I’m more inclined to say that the intensity of depression seems to vary. At first I was happy that it seemed like it was ‘gone’ but I was also disappointed when it came ‘back’. It is easier to handle when I think about it in more and less difficult days. For me it is a more hopeful perspective. My resilience is still quite low and energy isn’t present in abundance. When I take good care of myself and life isn’t too complicated I feel less depressed. Those are moments I can build on and try to enjoy to ‘the fullest’ possible.
How my bad days look like.
My biggest symptoms and thé red flags to notice are when …
- I feel tired and my legs start hurting. It becomes difficult to freely move around.
- I notice changes in my sleeping pattern. Waking up too early, move heavily in my sleep, feeling tensed when going to bed or utterly exhausted.
- My brain closes. It’s difficult to think straight, to come up with words or to answer (simple) questions.
- Just thinking about what I ought to be doing makes my eyelids to become heavy. The more tired I become, the more irritable I am. It’s key to avoid ‘explosion mode’ but that also takes some will power or energy.
- I feel overall more tense, thinking ‘I feel bad’ over and over again.
Do you notice changes when depression is more present? Do you think the risk of a relapse (or a more intense bout of depression) is always possible or can someone fully recover and live life without a care in the world?
I write about some symptoms I observed during burnout and depression. That is the goal at least. Closer to the truth would be: the symptoms I struggle with on a daily basis. By writing them down it gives me the opportunity to give them a ‘place to be’ and I can feel some distance between … Continue reading Surpring symptoms of depression and burnout. Part 6.
Hello dear reader, I hope you’re doing well or the best that can be in the moment. I’m glad that you’re here. As I did notice yet more surprising symptoms, I would like to write them down for you. Maybe you noticed some things too in your journey through life. Huge amount of … Continue reading Surprising symptoms of depression and burnout. Part 5.
I’ve started a new series – yet another one! – here on my blog. As this is a personal blog, I write about what is happening in my life and it is mostly related to mental health and psychology. This series will cover the topic of ‘recovery’ and my efforts to find my way in … Continue reading When talking about ‘recovery’, what are we talking about?
Notes and references.
 I write about my experiences with my depression. As there are different forms of depression with different causes, this may look very different for you.
Online article ‘Depression shifts in intensity and bad brain days happen.’
Curious about how I added ‘Further Reads’ into my post? Visit Hugh’s Views and News blog for an excellent tutorial!