Things I miss while in recovery.

~ kachaiweb

I do understand that maintaining mental health is number one on my priority list. It takes some work that I’m more than willing to put in. But sometimes there are those moments when I remember how much more easier it all seemed to be, before the illness fully became an inhabitant in my day-to-day life. I miss those things and a part of me wants them back. I think that that is something that keeps me striving to become better. I realize at the same time that things will not be ‘the same.’ That would be very weird, as if nothing ever took place.

I miss going to a party, a festival or the theatre.

I miss going to yoga class.

I miss having a worry-free day.

I miss to being able to think ‘that everything is possible now’, I miss being free.

I miss dressing up and feeling fine.

I miss to be excited to get out of bed.

I miss feeling to be ‘hands on’.

I think what I miss the most, is my freedom. While recovery gives me a hopeful perspective, energy and emotions need to be managed. When things happen I do get irritated, my mood swings and all I can do is try to get it back to a more stable way of being. While my mind understands a lot of why and how things happen in my recovery, my heart is rebellious. It wants something more out of life than the managing of me.

With every mood swing I feel like I loose myself and I need to mend the pieces. It’s tiring. I ‘know’ the things that could help me, like ‘letting go’ or I long to have a good ‘belly laugh’. But depression keeps that energy to itself, to feed itself it can feel like. It wears you out ’till one day there is nothing left. Anhedonia takes the stage. It’s been like that for the last week. I feel scared to fall back into despair. I console myself by remembering that recovery isn’t a smooth process.  

Are there things you miss too? Is it silly of me to ‘hold on’ to the ‘me’ of the past? I guess recovery is also about integrating parts of yourself and to mend them into a ‘new’ or more actual ‘self’. Comparing those two doesn’t make me happy but I guess it is a process on its own.

Further reads and credits.

Post: Anhedonia, the worst for me.

Picture credits Label vector created by freepik – www.freepik.com

Published by kachaiweb

28 thoughts on “Things I miss while in recovery.”

  1. It’s a mixed blessing. Remembering the old you reminds you of something you’ve lost and can never really get back. It could almost be described as the loss of innocence. A beautifully naive embracing of life. The excitement of being alive. Of reaching for goals. Of being excited for ‘what could be’. But maybe that nostalgic remembering (tinged as it is with sadness) gives us something to hope for too. Maybe there could be moments like that again – but this time they would be deeper in some way because our understanding of life is more mature. It’s tough though ….

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    1. What a beautiful comment, thank you!
      It feels for me really like a mixed blessing and those thoughts, marked by some sadness, give me hope too, a perspective, a longing to reach that part of ‘me’ again. Not exactly the same, I appreciate the transformation, but I would love to be able to feel more of the ‘core’ of who I am. Who I know I am and can be again.
      I guess that part of recovery can be the same for everybody of do you think that there is a difference, lets say, when you need to recover from betrayal?

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      1. I’m not sure if there’s a difference or not. Maybe it’s easier to recover your core self as you walk through the process of recovery from betrayal. Maybe your outlook on the world changes more, and you lose that innocence around how good people are and whether anyone is trustworthy … but I suspect it is easier to recover from too, and least when it comes to feeling you are you again (if that makes sense). I would say that it takes at least 2 years to regain your confidence, self-esteem and sense of who you really are. But maybe if you don’t experience betrayal again it is easier to stay in touch with yourself in the future, too.
        With depression, I guess there is always the feeling that you might lose yourself again as the feelings of depression descend.
        What do you think?

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      2. I think that’s a very good question!
        For me it seems like gathering yourself after you’ve fallen too pieces isn’t easy.
        I think we need to pick up the pieces we need and we want to keep. It changes things and touches on your whole life. What I feel could be different is that depression is a very ‘lonely’ business where with betrayal the social impact is much bigger.
        Maybe you can’t trust your husband anymore but what about the neighbor, did she knew all the time? And so on …
        The feeling of losing what you know is central and devastating.

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      3. That’s a really insightful reply. Reassembling the pieces exactly as they were before is almost impossible because they no longer fit nicely together. There IS that core you who still exists but how do you reconstruct the core you from all these fragments. I can see how lonely that is as well ….

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  2. That’s something I’ve really struggled with. I’ve gotten to a point now where the likelihood of the old me coming back is pretty much non-existent, but for a long time an important source of hope was hanging onto the idea that it might come back.

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  3. I remember talking to my cousin once who has Schizophrenia and she said she hates the voices but wasn’t sure she wanted to get rid of them. Food for thought. 🙃

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      1. That is very true. Mental illness has so many layers to it.
        I struggle sometimes to comprehensively talk about all of it at the same time. That can lead to some misunderstandings, online as irl.

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    2. I can imagine … when you live so long with a condition it can become a part of you. It can feel very weird to let that go. If we would be presented with such an option.

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  5. I may have missed something but I do not understand why you cannot continue yoga when it is self-care. Actually, many of the things on your list still seem doable — just not under the influence, and better. Depending on how long you are in recovery, I anticipate you will also find there is an entire world you hadn’t seen before and one that is waiting for you to enjoy now, like you’ve never lived before…feeling a freedom from letting go and experiencing life in a completely different way We often need to clear away the wreckage of the past to begin anew. Warm wishes for your continued and successful recovery.

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    1. Thank you for your nice and hopeful comment! I agree with letting go, working through the past and to enter a whole new world. On some days I feel that that is within reach for me.
      As for yoga, the last time I went was very hard on me because I was exhausted and my mind was very confused. I was confronted with my illness. I continued yoga at home but then it was just too much for my body. I did some yoga nidra then.
      When I was almost ready to return, corona came. The lessons are still cancelled.
      I am still a little afraid to start at the beginning again, being disappointed with my body and to encounter this in a whole group of new people. But I also know that time will come.

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      1. Upon being exposed to toxic mold many years ago, my life was turned upside down. That was when I began yoga and a 10-year journey of natural medicine, acupuncture, and hand drumming to feeling well again. However, a point came when I felt worse rather than better after doing yoga (and that’s the gentle style of Svaroopa). My wonderful teacher (and current dear friend) said sometimes we need a break from it. That’s when I gravitated to Qigong. It’s wonderful healing energy that you can do at home. (Daisy Lee has some great CD/Videos for instruction also.) I tried yoga again a year ago and had the same problem. I’m resolved now, that yoga (except for Yoga Nidra) just isn’t for me or my body which prefers the flowing energy of Qigong. Perhaps it will benefit you as well. Warm wishes to you on your journey…

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      2. Thank you so much for sharing your own journey so honestly. Yoga is sometimes ‘promoted’ as a cure of all while we actually need to find things that suits our body and life. Hand drumming seems so interesting.
        I guess the key to recovery is a very unique and individual one.
        Thanks again for your comment, I found it very helpful.
        I will check out Qigong too as I heard a lot of positives about it.
        All the best for you and the best luck on your journey too.

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      3. There is nothing like the energy of hand drumming. And all “drum circles” are not the same. Truly, once I plateaued with remedies and acupuncture, it was hand drumming that gave me the rest of my life back. The other drummers have become like family too. I’m not sure where you are located but if you do give it a try, I’d love to hear your experience. 🙂 Warm wishes.

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  6. I think it’s entirely understandable to think of our past selves, particularly from easier times, and wish for that self to return. It may be sad at times to miss that self, but remembering that past is a way of also remembering what we are working toward in the future self being built through recovery. Not everything will return exactly the same. But perhaps we can achieve a good rhyme eventually.

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    1. I feel like that can be true for me but sometimes I’m so impatient through the process. Accepting things as they are in the moment can be challenging at times.
      Remembering what we are working toward is a very good way to put it, I just need a little more patience 🙂
      Thank you so much for commenting, you always give me hope!

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