I do understand that maintaining mental health is number one on my priority list. It takes some work that I’m more than willing to put in. But sometimes there are those moments when I remember how much more easier it all seemed to be, before the illness fully became an inhabitant in my day-to-day life. I miss those things and a part of me wants them back. I think that that is something that keeps me striving to become better. I realize at the same time that things will not be ‘the same.’ That would be very weird, as if nothing ever took place.
I miss going to a party, a festival or the theatre.
I miss going to yoga class.
I miss having a worry-free day.
I miss to being able to think ‘that everything is possible now’, I miss being free.
I miss dressing up and feeling fine.
I miss to be excited to get out of bed.
I miss feeling to be ‘hands on’.
I think what I miss the most, is my freedom. While recovery gives me a hopeful perspective, energy and emotions need to be managed. When things happen I do get irritated, my mood swings and all I can do is try to get it back to a more stable way of being. While my mind understands a lot of why and how things happen in my recovery, my heart is rebellious. It wants something more out of life than the managing of me.
With every mood swing I feel like I loose myself and I need to mend the pieces. It’s tiring. I ‘know’ the things that could help me, like ‘letting go’ or I long to have a good ‘belly laugh’. But depression keeps that energy to itself, to feed itself it can feel like. It wears you out ’till one day there is nothing left. Anhedonia takes the stage. It’s been like that for the last week. I feel scared to fall back into despair. I console myself by remembering that recovery isn’t a smooth process.
Are there things you miss too? Is it silly of me to ‘hold on’ to the ‘me’ of the past? I guess recovery is also about integrating parts of yourself and to mend them into a ‘new’ or more actual ‘self’. Comparing those two doesn’t make me happy but I guess it is a process on its own.
Further reads and credits.
Post: Anhedonia, the worst for me.
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