When you live a long time with depression it can make you wonder who you are. When depression has his roots in childhood or puberty, there is a good chance that chunks of your personality seem to be missing. Maybe they are there but you don’t know how to reach them and make them more visible.
Questions as ‘who am I?’ and ‘what do I want out of life?’ begin to play in your head as the clouds or depression begin to subside little by little.
You may have an idea who you are but it isn’t enough. Battling or better surviving with depression transforms you into an unrecognizable person.
When some of my energy came back, I didn’t know what was happening. I could do things but before that there were more important steps. My mind changed a little. It was more open and less worried. I could see some meaning, though the meaning could be mere fun. What hit me and what made me realize that a big step was taken were two things. First, I could do things without thinking about it. I did the dishes, like that and without being tired. The biggest step was when I wanted to cook something, one of Pierre’s favorite dishes, and it tasted so good! I can recall the taste now. It is over two years maybe that something tasted so good to me. I was so happy that I’ve created something and the result was satisfying to me.
The new energy resources coupled with my novelty seeking personality were like peas in a pot. I had ideas of what I wanted to do, I bought groceries because I had plans. I was going to cook not one dish, no no, I was planning several ones and then some. I bought things that I didn’t need. I became worried. The ‘new’ me was very optimistic. Facebook optimistic. That is not who I am, I thought. I’m naturally enthusiastic but also critical. Where had my critique of worldly things gone? Did I became a ‘fun’ person? I didn’t want that and I had the feeling I didn’t recognize ‘me’ anymore.
All the ‘fun’ came crashing down when the energy levels were depleted. I was running on empty again. Mind and body were separate. My mind thought ‘Yes you can go and do groceries after your therapy session’ but my legs told me another story.
I need to learn to find balance again. Not only with my energy levels but also in my mood. I became a swinger (no not in that way) in the mood department. I swung high and low and repeated that process a few times a day. That makes you tired and confused. The psychiatrist told me that it needed to level out. I can tell you that that doesn’t happen overnight.
Life goes on and it doesn’t really care about how you’re feeling. I try to keep up with all the duties of unemployment and administration. I try to take care of myself. When you come out of a depression life can feel so weird. How to move forward? Step by step. A portion of you wants to do that but you also hear the voice of depression whispering in your ear.
‘Come back to me, I know you and you know me.
Come with me under the blanket where you know you’re safe. I’ll hug you and won’t demand anything more.
Life is too complicated for you. How can you cope with your broken brain?
Come with me, I’ll make you whole again.’
This is confusing and I felt torn on my emotional roller-coaster. I could not understand how I could be thinking that way. All I ever wanted to feel better. I enjoyed my fun moments so much. To feel something is a wonderful gift. I thrive on my inner compass, I usually think a lot about things and then I feel what my decision should be. I don’t feel the big things yet but I can feel joy when my supper is good, I can flow when I do some dishes and I can be hopeful for the future.