Depression – What happens when you feel better?

When you live a long time with depression it can make you wonder who you are. When depression has his roots in childhood or puberty, there is a good chance that chunks of your personality seem to be missing. Maybe they are there but you don’t know how to reach them and make them more visible.

 

Questions as ‘who am I?’ and ‘what do I want out of life?’ begin to play in your head as the clouds or depression begin to subside little by little.

 

You may have an idea who you are but it isn’t enough. Battling or better surviving with depression transforms you into an unrecognizable person.

 

When some of my energy came back, I didn’t know what was happening. I could do things but before that there were more important steps. My mind changed a little. It was more open and less worried. I could see some meaning, though the meaning could be mere fun. What hit me and what made me realize that a big step was taken were two things. First, I could do things without thinking about it. I did the dishes, like that and without being tired. The biggest step was when I wanted to cook something, one of Pierre’s favorite dishes, and it tasted so good! I can recall the taste now. It is over two years maybe that something tasted so good to me. I was so happy that I’ve created something and the result was satisfying to me.

 

The new energy resources coupled with my novelty seeking personality were like peas in a pot. I had ideas of what I wanted to do, I bought groceries because I had plans. I was going to cook not one dish, no no, I was planning several ones and then some. I bought things that I didn’t need. I became worried. The ‘new’ me was very optimistic. Facebook optimistic. That is not who I am, I thought. I’m naturally enthusiastic but also critical. Where had my critique of worldly things gone? Did I became a ‘fun’ person? I didn’t want that and I had the feeling I didn’t recognize ‘me’ anymore.

 

All the ‘fun’ came crashing down when the energy levels were depleted. I was running on empty again. Mind and body were separate. My mind thought ‘Yes you can go and do groceries after your therapy session’ but my legs told me another story.

 

I need to learn to find balance again. Not only with my energy levels but also in my mood. I became a swinger (no not in that way) in the mood department. I swung high and low and repeated that process a few times a day. That makes you tired and confused. The psychiatrist told me that it needed to level out. I can tell you that that doesn’t happen overnight.

 

Life goes on and it doesn’t really care about how you’re feeling. I try to keep up with all the duties of unemployment and administration. I try to take care of myself. When you come out of a depression life can feel so weird. How to move forward? Step by step. A portion of you wants to do that but you also hear the voice of depression whispering in your ear.

 

‘Come back to me, I know you and you know me.

Come with me under the blanket where you know you’re safe. I’ll hug you and won’t demand anything more.

Life is too complicated for you. How can you cope with your broken brain?

Come with me, I’ll make you whole again.’

 

This is confusing and I felt torn on my emotional roller-coaster. I could not understand how I could be thinking that way. All I ever wanted to feel better. I enjoyed my fun moments so much. To feel something is a wonderful gift. I thrive on my inner compass, I usually think a lot about things and then I feel what my decision should be. I don’t feel the big things yet but I can feel joy when my supper is good, I can flow when I do some dishes and I can be hopeful for the future.

25 thoughts on “Depression – What happens when you feel better?

      1. Exactly! I think that can come back and life can be more smooth 🙂 I would love that for myself. Now I’m learning how to do that, so I feel like a car that won’t start every time but will get on the road eventually.

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  1. It is funny because we must pick up so much as toddlers, which we then take for granted the rest of our lives. And it is only when we have to relearn things, consciously, as an adult, that we realise what big steps they were. For example, learning to strike the right balance between “fun” and “anxious”.

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      1. yes, I need to relearn a whole lot of things as I was an old, grumpy lady for a while.
        Life isn’t that serious as it was too me. Life in itself is so important but all the things that mankind likes to throw into the mix aren’t.
        I’ve read somewhere about a grain of sand in the Sahara …. 😀 So it seems better to have some fun here and there.

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      2. Life is too short to get busy with unimportant stuff. Due to depression I also have a stronger sense of what is important to me.
        And we’ll see I guess about Corona, it’s a curious (travelling) case.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I like the expression ‘new normals’, sounds way better to me than ‘finding balance’. I will call it that in my head now, thank you!
      Life is like that, when you’re comfortable, something else comes along. One thing is for sure: it’s never boring that way 😉
      But sometimes it also kinda sucks.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. That sounds very good, to create practices to help with the swings. It feels logical to me that it could be helpful to create some ‘baseline’ to hold on too or fall back on when things get rocky. I’m trying to work with rewards for myself to bring to some more fun into my life, maybe those can become rituals too. Thank you for the tip and for commenting.

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  2. It’s amazing how even the “happy endings” in life are never as simple as that phrase implies. Struggling under a weight for a long time, we start to conform to that shape, and when it leaves, we don’t know how to spring back right away. I recently had a smaller version of that where a supplement change finally lifted a constant fatigue I have been battling for over a year. I felt dazed, even though I was so happy to finally be able to get things done!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like your analogy of the shape and not being easy (or maybe not recommended) to spring back into action again.
      For me, although I find it frustrating sometimes, I do believe it holds some kind of a protective function. I think it prevents you to go to fast and to heal gradually.
      But I agree fully with the feeling of being a bit confused, as if we forgot how we used to function before the weight came on.
      I’m so happy you’re free of the fatigue, with time we’ll adapt to the new possibilities that are presented. 🥳

      Liked by 1 person

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