The winding road of therapy – Recovery isn’t lineair. Part 10.



It’s been a long time since I’ve updated on my personal mental health journey. After jumping through some hoops in regards to my former work place and finding out how get my legal papers in order to be able to apply for unemployment benefits, I found some rest in my head.


Some rest but not enough. While going through the process as described above I felt myself getting worse and worse. The anhedonia walked with me wherever I went, so I stopped walking. The thoughts in my head became more and more intrusive. They seem to start of slowly, just one here and there. Not to harmful. And then they kick in at full speed, like a merry-go-round. Not being able to distract myself due to anhedonia and some good old rumination, the intrusive thoughts have my whole brain to play with.


All I could try is to make it stop, just stop. It didn’t work, it took my energy and gave me hopelessness in return. I was a feather in the wind, going where it would blew me. I managed to walk to my therapist, just holding on to that appointment. I realized that things have become more grey and panicky again but she was going to help me right? Wrong, she wasn’t there as she mixed up the hour of our appointment. I told her I needed to do something. I called the psychiatrist, he upped the dose of the antidepressants. I went to see my therapist later that evening. I was so tired by walking there for the second time! We couldn’t do much in the session because of my mental state. I was exhausted, couldn’t focus.


To be able to work with a therapist I need some energy to be present, articulate my thoughts and feelings. When the merry-go-round in my head stops, it leaves a big giant hole. Normal thinking doesn’t  thrive well in those conditions. She told me clearly that my depression was fairly worse that the last time I’ve seen her. We worked on preserving the good things that I had at the moment, which wasn’t that much. She told me to focus on my small space in the world and to try to hold on to the things I could do. Reading wasn’t possible due to problems with concentration, but I could knit. The knitting is the first thing I can do when anhedonia pulls away for just an inch. I fight it with my knitting needle!


Finally I could see the doctor. I suspect the therapist spoke with my psychiatrist, though I’m not sure about that. I told him about the intrusive thought, the feeling a being stuck, not seeing a possibility to improve the situation. I hit a wall again. Sleeping was ok. It was close to Pierre’s birthday, the festive season was upon us. I wondered how to manage all that. I was sad when realizing I wasn’t going to be able to attend the Birthday party. All days were grey, just grey, not even different shades of grey. In the last two months I had 2 half days that were better. That is the thing, when things change for the better, even for 2 hours, you remember because it is such a huge difference.


Due to the presence of two times a few hours when I felt better, I was left with a choice. Option a would be to wait till the upped dose of antidepressants would start to work. Option b was additional medication. He proposed a medication that was used to counter manic episodes but was also used as an antianxiety medication. Again I asked what he would expect that the effect would be. Listen to this, I couldn’t believe my ears! This medication was going to work very fast, within the week (!) I would feel a significant difference. I would gain motivation and I could do things more ‘naturally’ as opposed to the ‘pulling’ I needed to do to get anything done. He promised a quick onset of the meds and no more pulling, a more natural ‘flow’ was within my reach.


Immediately after the appointment I went to the apothecary. Took the first dose the same day (I needed to take 1 pill in the morning and one at midday) and hoped for change. The first pill I took was Thursday afternoon and Sunday I met up with Pierre. I was casually doing dishes when he came in, I was showered, relax and happy to see him. ‘You’re better’, he said. ‘I see it in your face, you’ve changed’.



Picture credits click here.



21 thoughts on “The winding road of therapy – Recovery isn’t lineair. Part 10.

    1. Thank you! It feels so weird that it works after such a long time. But now it’s all with the ups and the downs, there is little stability (yet), the doctor tells me it takes time.
      All I can do is try and breath.

      Liked by 4 people

    1. Yes what a cliffhanger! 🙂 The pink pills are called deanxit and I take them every day. I guess they support the escitalopram as well.
      I don’t know if they have another name in the UK. What’s next will be up next week 🙂
      I always want to know what happens in your life story too! Movies should be made about our lives!

      Liked by 3 people

  1. Wowza! Such a relief that the med worked so quickly, that’s wonderful 🙂 I can relate to the “pulling” to get things done, it makes showering feel like climbing a mountain. I hope you continue to see improvements and I thank you for sharing your journey.
    Today we are “pulling” on my truck. I got it stuck in the driveway and skillfully managed to slide between 2 trees…..ugh…..

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Christmas 2019. And yes medication will go down. I went from 2 extra pills to 1 after a week but the others I need to take for at least a year the doctor said. I think they wait ’till all is better and stable. The moment I’ll feel like I’m ‘good’ and I feel like before this all went down, I can start to diminish the medication.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. WOW! You’ve done a fantastic job of keeping your visits with your therapist and doctor when you weren’t feeling the best. I’m so happy for you, that your medication is helping. It makes such a big difference 💕

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you so much! I’m happy too to see some improvement. It all needs to balance out a bit but the initial feeling is better!
      Calling the psychiatrist was something I needed to learn. In the past I didn’t call, then I called to late and now I’ve learned to recognize some symptoms and my aim is to call in time. And so I keep on learning! 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  3. That description the pulling, is horrendous. To just be washing up wow. How awesome is that. I hope you have been able to get onto unemployment benefits. I know that road. I have had to end up having a social worker help me, we applied to have her as someone who can deal with Centrelink on my behalf, when things overwhelm me or trigger me. She also helps me with paperwork. That has been the hardest thing of my illness not being able to fill in paperwork. I have two degrees! When I said that I was having problems with paperwork at centrelink they began to treat me like I was an idiot.

    Ooopps off the track. I am so happy for you that the new medication is helping.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much! I’m happy too! Oh the papers my lord! I can’t deal with them. Papers for benefits, for insurance, for this and for that. I know how to do them but I don’t have the extra energy.
      But with ‘only’ 4 phone calls and 2 additional visits to the union, I have the benefits!!!🥳🥳🥳 (for now of course).
      It is a huge relief to have that in order. Now I’m starting some counselling to find work that is adapted to my possibilities, that’s another circus! With papers of course 🙄😊
      I’m so happy you got help for dealing with Centrelink and the papers. When you’re recovering or dealing with mental health you need to prioritize. You are important and sometimes you just don’t have the possibilities, energy or concentration to deal with ‘additional’ stuff, like phone calls, appointments and papers.
      The pulling to get something done is extremely hard and discouraging, I’m so so so glad that it’s easier now! The difference is night and day. Thank you for your sweet comment 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, that is so sweet! I’m happy too. I still don’t get it, how such a small bright pink (!) pill can make the difference. But I’m happy I’ve found it. I hope I can recover (and it will take time, I know) to live (maybe) without it. I mean, I hope that my brain can relax with the support of medication so it can be it’s own fun self.

      Liked by 1 person

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