I had a really fun weekend, I did enjoy some things but didn’t go overboard, no crazy party or anything. Pierre and I played some sets of ping-pong. I used to be good at that but now needed some practicing. For one, the table was way smaller than normal so that needed adjustment and second, my reaction time can be delayed sometimes. Something I notice in traffic too and why I’m extra careful. We also played with the dog and did enjoy the colder weather while feeding the geese and the chickens.
This morning I woke up at 7h30 and at 9 o’clock was ready for a deep rest again, my eyes were heavy, my head won’t work. I tried to write a post but there was no use to it. The words won’t flow, the subjects block, I couldn’t hold a train of thoughts.
My therapist says that all this is fairly normal while dealing with a prolonged mourning, what the essence of my depression would be. The essence among other factors like genes, circumstances, childhood traumas etc.
This tiredness on the other hand is very counterproductive as I was ready and eager to tackle the ‘big sadness inside’. To get through and over it. Ha! It doesn’t work that way. He also explained that I don’t have the control over my energy supply at this point. I’m quite relieved to hear that as I would go feeling guilty about not being able to handle my mental health in a more adequate way.
When I’m more absent on my blog, I’m sorry. I tried to read other posts and to react but it seems that I’m not able to concentrate nor to read nor to write a comment that would make sense. I’m not saying that I’m completely absent but I’m definitely not fully present either.
A breakdown involves getting to the point at which your mental state prevents you from doing the normal things of your everyday life. I remember from my own experience that I was completely ambushed by mine.
I do pre-plan my posts because of days like this. I don’t know if I should publish them or let it all rest for a while. I don’t know when the tiredness will become lesser, all I know for now is that self-care is calling in the form of rest, taking a break and I’m willing to oblige. See, I’ve learned something!
My dilemma now is to post or not to post the following days. On one hand, I find it not fun at all to feel like I’m ‘not myself, half of me’ while interacting and it will take more energy. On the other hand I still can be proud of me that depression will not silence me or is not going to be able to ‘take it all’.
When I come across weird or rude, stay with me. I’m not typing this for me but for all people struggling. As I belief loneliness is at the very core of mental ill-being. A mental illness is an illness because of the fact that it doesn’t fit into a ‘normal’ way of being. It is easy for me to write about mental illness and share my story when I’m feeling quite ‘good’. The friction happens when it becomes difficult, when you act out, when you’re too negative, when you’re suffering. If we want to break any stigma, when we want to be accepting of people who are ‘not quite the norm’ we will need to be able to endure some of the friction. I feel that could be a message from ‘struggling me’; stay with me because I can’t.
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