Mental Illness, stay with me because I can’t.

I had a really fun weekend, I did enjoy some things but didn’t go overboard, no crazy party or anything. Pierre and I played some sets of ping-pong. I used to be good at that but now needed some practicing. For one, the table was way smaller than normal so that needed adjustment and second, my reaction time can be delayed sometimes. Something I notice in traffic too and why I’m extra careful. We also played with the dog and did enjoy the colder  weather while feeding the geese and the chickens.

 

This morning I woke up at 7h30 and at 9 o’clock was ready for a deep rest again, my eyes were heavy, my head won’t work. I tried to write a post but there was no use to it. The words won’t flow, the subjects block, I couldn’t  hold a train of thoughts.

 

My therapist says that all this is fairly normal while dealing with a prolonged mourning, what the essence of my depression would be. The essence among other factors like genes, circumstances, childhood traumas etc.

 

This tiredness on the other hand is very counterproductive as I was ready and eager to tackle the ‘big sadness inside’. To get through and over it. Ha! It doesn’t work that way. He also explained that I don’t have the control over my energy supply at this point. I’m quite relieved to hear that as I would go feeling guilty about not being able to handle my mental health in a more adequate way.

 

When I’m more absent on my blog, I’m sorry. I tried to read other posts and to react but it seems that I’m not able to concentrate nor to read nor to write a comment that would make sense. I’m not saying that I’m completely absent but I’m definitely not fully present either.

 

A breakdown involves getting to the point at which your mental state prevents you from doing the normal things of your everyday life. I remember from my own experience that I was completely ambushed by mine.

Andrew Solomon

 

I do pre-plan my posts because of days like this. I don’t know if I should publish them or let it all rest for a while. I don’t know when the tiredness will become lesser, all I know for now is that self-care is calling in the form of rest, taking a break and I’m willing to oblige. See, I’ve learned something!

 

My dilemma now is to post or not to post the following days. On one hand, I find it not fun at all to feel like I’m ‘not myself, half of me’ while interacting and it will take more energy. On the other hand I still can be proud of me that depression will not silence me or is not going to be able to ‘take it all’.

 

When I come across weird or rude, stay with me. I’m not typing this for me but for all people struggling. As I belief loneliness is at the very core of mental ill-being. A mental illness is an illness because of the fact that it doesn’t fit into a ‘normal’ way of being. It is easy for me to write about mental illness and share my story when I’m feeling quite ‘good’. The friction happens when it becomes difficult, when you act out, when you’re too negative, when you’re suffering. If we want to break any stigma, when we want to be accepting of people who are ‘not quite the norm’ we will need to be able to endure some of the friction. I feel that could be a message from ‘struggling me’; stay with me because I can’t.

 

 

Picture credits click here.

Quote click here.

 

19 thoughts on “Mental Illness, stay with me because I can’t.

  1. I’m sure you’ve mentioned this before, but with your description of your weekend, I was left wondering where in the world you live. Where is this world of geese and small ping-pong tables?

    If posting is taking any of your needed energy, give it a rest, unless the therapeutic benefits outweigh the energy spent. One of the best things I’ve ever seen… Problem: Depressed. Solution: Deep Rest.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Haha, I live in Belgium where we also have cities and chickens all in one 🙂

      I was conflicted because it would feel like I’m hiding and come out when ‘polished’ and that is not very accepting of me.

      The Deep Rest will help a lot and the rest I can balance in the moment. Thanks for the response.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m still here. If I was sufficiently in control of my mind to concentrate and pull my thoughts together, I would comment much more often than I do. But I can’t, so I don’t. And struggling is okay. Pretending it’s not happening can be more tiring than accepting that it’s just how things are in the moment.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Kacha, it is good that people can hear about what other people go through – those who wish to find out, can read, others can skip. No worries, either way, but at least we are able to find out, if we wish. If you don’t speak, nobody can know.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That is true.
      But I’ll need to read your post later this week, couldn’t concentrate and that’s not fun either.
      It will be allright in it’s time and place.
      Thank WP for the possibility to pre-plan posts , like buttons and emoticons 😊

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Everyone needs times of stillness as well as activity, especially when recovering from a major shift in one’s life. I enjoy reading your posts, but I would never want you to have to force yourself to write them. Take what time you need.

    Also, I hope the geese and ping-pong lift your spirits. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so very much! I’m really glad you enjoy reading my posts as I enjoy writing them. It helps me a lot to put my thoughts and feelings on paper. I write things ‘out of my system’ and it’s frustrating when that isn’t working. Stillness is an important part that I tend to overlook and run away from but nature has its ways. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

      Liked by 1 person

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