I am so irritated!

 

Hello my name is Kacha and I can be a big b*tch. I wrote all about being too friendly and too nice which is true but I do have a limit. That limit was pretty far away in the past, meaning I could handle some things. I forgive, I give second chances. I believe in reconciliation and overall politeness. But then came something like being tired all the time and being overwhelmed. Since my energy is used to take care of my thoughts in the first place and my body in the second place I have no energy left to deal with other things. Like my neighbors. They irritate the crap out of me and I know I am not in the right. They just exist and that bothers me.

 

i'm madder than you.

 

What is irritability? It is the tendency to get overly upset for seemingly no valid reason at all. It happens to me. I try not to show it and then it just explodes. One Saturday Pierre was watching some sports on the tv when it came to my mind that I ‘needed’ to gather my paperwork for the union. I wanted him to help me with it. Not that I did ask. I started to threw papers around, made some piles and told him ‘hold this!’. He is watching sports and I can’t oversee the papers anymore, so I start to scream ‘that he is not helping me!’ Well, that was the end of the sports game and a fun Saturday together. He told me I never asked for help and that it would be clearer if I did. In my mind things go from  to 0 to a 100 in a second. I’m too tired to slow it down. In the moment of the outburst I don’t see or hear other things than what my brain and emotions need to offload. It is just me and my boiled up feelings. I don’t hear the words spoken to me and I don’t see the scared face of people around me. It is like I’m struck by the lightning of me.

 

Am I a bad person for doing this? Yes. It is not nice and actually there is no excuse.  I’m sorry. Why do I do this? I think that I’m concerned about ‘something’ going wrong. I want the papers to be ready so we could enjoy the rest of the weekend. I do feel helpless but I don’t want to show it all the time. I want to ask for help but I’m also independent. Words mean not much when you don’t change your behavior. I can have a temper and most of the time I’m just frustrated with myself. I slam the door or the kitchen cabinet, it makes a bang and I’m fine again. I throw a pillow or something unbreakable and I’m good to go. For me it’s fine but again my partner and occasional the doggy of my sister-in-law are scared. So things do break, the pillow doesn’t break but the calm atmosphere of the home and the trusting understanding we have. I am still left with the pieces to pick up.

 

It seems I need to grasp the bigger picture. The big why behind the futile irritation. I’m mad at people because they can relax and I don’t. Pierre can watch a game and be happy. The neighbors can take the trash out and be done with it. My mind never stops these days. It keeps on torturing me with intrusive and painful thoughts. The only way I can make it stop is to have a meltdown like a small child. I feel helpless against the racing thoughts and I scare them away by yelling them out loud. It’s the frustration, the daily struggle, the whole shit situation that needs to come out. But still it is not fair to me and it is not fair to anybody. Not even the cushion deserves it.

 

I understand I can’t keep doing this, I need to speak up before the meltdown. I need to explain what is going on on the inside. Maybe it’s better to explain too much and being a bore than being surprisingly explosive. Sometimes I really don’t realize what is bothering me. By no means I want to become a perfect human being but I don’t want to be the scary one. (Maybe just on Halloween). The cost of mending things is much bigger than to refrain from outbursts. That is what I’ll try to do.

 

We should try to see irritability for what it actually is: a confused, inarticulate, often shameful attempt to get us to understand how much someone is suffering and how urgently they need our help. We should – when we can manage it – attempt to help them out[1].

 

 

 

[1] https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/on-irritability/

[2] Photo credits click here.

36 thoughts on “I am so irritated!

  1. 💜 I hope you feel better for writing. I hope you feel more able to articulate it to someone – you do a pretty good job here.
    I cannot relate to a lot of this but I too have mixed feelings at any rate – on the one hand, treat me like anybody else, and on the other, don’t you know I’ve had a f’in stroke? But I realise that I can’t have it both ways. Sending hugs – Pierre sounds brilliant to put up with you 😀

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Pierre is brilliant! And writing it ‘off’ helps too. At least it forces me to phrase it, to take a step back and see what is going on. Its’ a bumpy road! It’s like you said. I want to be normal again, but it is not like that and I get fed up with the limitations I encounter. The combination frustrates me and that frustration can be surprisingly sharp! Thank you for your support and hugs!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. If that is the case, make sure Pierre *knows* he is brilliant.
        You cannot be the first person feeling this, so as long as you are able to express your thoughts to a psychiatrist, say, somebody might be able to offer some suggestions to help.
        In the meantime, if you do not trust your first reaction, teach yourself not to act on that first reaction. I know, easier said than done! You can always come over and kick one of our cats (not too hard, please) if it gets too bad. You might even wake one up 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

      2. The cats sounds great, they don’t have trouble sleeping I assume. My psychiatrist knows about it, it part of ‘the process’ and I have to be ‘patient’. I’ll talk with my therapist too. It doesn’t happen every day, it is just once in a while. Most of the time I’m very calm. 😊

        Like

  2. Most of the time depression doesn’t make me irritable, but when it does, watch out. I recognize that I’m irritable, but don’t feel confident in my ability to keep a lid on it, I try to stay away from people as much as possible to avoid any incidents with screaming and swearing. I also do the screaming and swearing thing when I’m in hospital, but that’s more a product of being locked up somewhere I don’t want to be.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. The lid, I try to keep it on and I try to avoid people when needed but it chatches me by surprise. Glad I’m not the only one who yells and screams sometimes. On the bright side, I’m a passionate person, so I guess it goes both ways.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I am the same… just won’t put up with other people’s negativity and I get irritated! People got used to pointing out and criticizing me while they don’t do anything themselves because I was nice and an easy target….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is important to set boundaries for yourself and for other people. Now I only need to follow my own advice. But sometimes too much is too much, other people’s negativity is a no no! Thanks for visiting!

      Liked by 2 people

  4. “It is like I’m struck by the lightning of me.” This is a very good way of expressing that sudden outburst state. The expression I usually hear is “snapped,” but it feels bigger than that. The moment emotion takes over is loud and both energizing and draining at the same time, and like a lightning strike it can frighten others or start fires in them as well. Thank you for sharing about how this feels and for talking your way through it so well.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for your thoughtful comment. It is energizing and draining exactly. It ‘concentrates’ the energy in a single point. It is an emotion after all, it’s human. The art of that would be to direct it to the rightful cause and not ‘thundering’ ad random.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. I don’t think irritability is without reason. I know when I get irritated it’s for a very good reason…even if that’s a reason that makes sense only to me! Lol. Like picking the wrong line at the grocery store. You know, where the lady in front of you is using 100 coupons, and she’s writing a check! I’m gonna be irritated. I try to be cool. Relax. But sometimes it’s not possible.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. There is always a reason that is so. When you’re feeling fine the lady won’t bother you that much. But everybody has his/hers pet peeves. I can’t stand it when people walk too slow in front me! But I know I’m still not in the right. It is not always easy to live around people sometimes 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Good post, Kacha 🙂

    It sounds like there’s a natural internal re-balancing going on. You mentioned in a previous post spending much effort and energy on being too good, always the good one, for all of your life. Now you mention being a “bad person”.

    The story you shared didn’t sound like you were being bad, just very human.

    What’s going on could be viewed as your way of showing yourself that it’s okay to not be nice all the time. You no longer have to live the too good one role as you used to. It’s not the end of the world if you get annoyed, irritated, angry, have a meltdown. The people who love you still love you and are still there for you. That’s an important thing to notice.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. To notice, take in, remember and hold on too. That is what is happening, it is such a long road though to shed an ‘old skin’ like a snake and to grow into a ‘new one’. I’m confident I’ll get there one way or another. Thank you for your view on the subject!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Just don’t stifle the meltdown if it’s going to happen. I packed meltdown onto meltdown deep into my body and when it all blew up, well, it was the ending of the movie we were looking for. Sure, learn to deal with emotions so it doesn’t lead to meltdown, but when you get there, put on some sweatpants, an old T-shirt, get comfortable and ride it out.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Keeping it all in doesn’t make it go away that is true. It is a signal something is ‘bubbling’ up and maybe, like you said, to be more mindful about it in some sweatpants would be a more mature way to handle it. Ignoring it doesn’t helped me. Thank you for your advice!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha, I can understand! I can be fussy all day and when my partner makes a joke in the evening, I tell him, excuse me, but I’m pissed off for almost 12 hours straight, can we honor that?
      And then we both laugh of course!
      But on other occasions he needs to be a little irritated as well. Nothing more irritating then somebody who tries to play it down. Oh no!!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. You are not a bad person as you state in your post, for being irritable. We all get irritated. I used to get irritated with myself for being irritated and acting out. Looking back to those times I see that is what eventually got me to change. I hated the way I acted so always tried to figure out how to change it and change happened slowly over the years. You’ll find your way ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your encouraging words! ❤ I tend to be harsh on myself and beat myself up over and over again over my 'mistakes'. I truly believe people can change and like you said, we need to want to adjust some things. Thanks for stopping by and commenting 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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