Hello my name is Kacha and I can be a big b*tch. I wrote all about being too friendly and too nice which is true but I do have a limit. That limit was pretty far away in the past, meaning I could handle some things. I forgive, I give second chances. I believe in reconciliation and overall politeness. But then came something like being tired all the time and being overwhelmed. Since my energy is used to take care of my thoughts in the first place and my body in the second place I have no energy left to deal with other things. Like my neighbors. They irritate the crap out of me and I know I am not in the right. They just exist and that bothers me.
What is irritability? It is the tendency to get overly upset for seemingly no valid reason at all. It happens to me. I try not to show it and then it just explodes. One Saturday Pierre was watching some sports on the tv when it came to my mind that I ‘needed’ to gather my paperwork for the union. I wanted him to help me with it. Not that I did ask. I started to threw papers around, made some piles and told him ‘hold this!’. He is watching sports and I can’t oversee the papers anymore, so I start to scream ‘that he is not helping me!’ Well, that was the end of the sports game and a fun Saturday together. He told me I never asked for help and that it would be clearer if I did. In my mind things go from to 0 to a 100 in a second. I’m too tired to slow it down. In the moment of the outburst I don’t see or hear other things than what my brain and emotions need to offload. It is just me and my boiled up feelings. I don’t hear the words spoken to me and I don’t see the scared face of people around me. It is like I’m struck by the lightning of me.
Am I a bad person for doing this? Yes. It is not nice and actually there is no excuse. I’m sorry. Why do I do this? I think that I’m concerned about ‘something’ going wrong. I want the papers to be ready so we could enjoy the rest of the weekend. I do feel helpless but I don’t want to show it all the time. I want to ask for help but I’m also independent. Words mean not much when you don’t change your behavior. I can have a temper and most of the time I’m just frustrated with myself. I slam the door or the kitchen cabinet, it makes a bang and I’m fine again. I throw a pillow or something unbreakable and I’m good to go. For me it’s fine but again my partner and occasional the doggy of my sister-in-law are scared. So things do break, the pillow doesn’t break but the calm atmosphere of the home and the trusting understanding we have. I am still left with the pieces to pick up.
It seems I need to grasp the bigger picture. The big why behind the futile irritation. I’m mad at people because they can relax and I don’t. Pierre can watch a game and be happy. The neighbors can take the trash out and be done with it. My mind never stops these days. It keeps on torturing me with intrusive and painful thoughts. The only way I can make it stop is to have a meltdown like a small child. I feel helpless against the racing thoughts and I scare them away by yelling them out loud. It’s the frustration, the daily struggle, the whole shit situation that needs to come out. But still it is not fair to me and it is not fair to anybody. Not even the cushion deserves it.
I understand I can’t keep doing this, I need to speak up before the meltdown. I need to explain what is going on on the inside. Maybe it’s better to explain too much and being a bore than being surprisingly explosive. Sometimes I really don’t realize what is bothering me. By no means I want to become a perfect human being but I don’t want to be the scary one. (Maybe just on Halloween). The cost of mending things is much bigger than to refrain from outbursts. That is what I’ll try to do.
We should try to see irritability for what it actually is: a confused, inarticulate, often shameful attempt to get us to understand how much someone is suffering and how urgently they need our help. We should – when we can manage it – attempt to help them out.
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