Kelly was a teenage girl. She held a steady relationship with her first love, Dylan. She was a smart girl and she finally finished her senior exams. She had studied very hard the last month and didn’t sleep many hours. But summer was finally here. She felt free and didn’t have a care in the world. She had plans for the longest summer holiday in her life. Summer was going to kick in good because there was a huge party in the city. She offered to volunteer. Smart as she was, she knew if she helped out she could save on drinking money because volunteers got that for free.
Her friends were at the party too and so was Dylan. She felt she belonged. They had such a good time. There was live music, the kind that really helped her to forget all sorrows from school and the exams. Her job was to clean up the square after the festivities were over. That was not a hard job for the fun she had. It was already late at night, when her squad moved to a house party which was a 20’ ride by bike. Once arrived there were a lot of people. There was more alcohol. She was delighted to have such a good time and she saw Dylan sitting outside. She was happy to see him and wanted to greet him with the biggest hug. She didn’t notice that, the teenage boy he was, he was rolling his joint very carefully.
He jumped up and screamed at her to be careful and that he almost dropped the weed. Initially she thought nothing of it. She still heard the music in her ears from the previous party. Her girlfriends were involved with their boyfriends or were doing something in the kitchen. Another couple that seemed to be disappeared, was later found in the closet of the parents of the host. Kelly went to check out the liquor. Everybody was supposed to BYOB and the dresser was a mix of everything you could think of with the exception of beer. She didn’t want to go to the kitchen with the other girls and her boyfriend pushing her away like that started to bother her. With the exams and the party they didn’t see each other that much and she missed him. Looking at the messy bottles she noticed one special one. It was a bottle of vodka, just the kind her grandfather used to drink every day. She missed somebody and at the time it seemed like a good idea to drink it straight, just in loving memory of.
The toilet was in a small hall that could be reached through a small staircase with maybe 5 or 6 steps. When she stood alone in the small hallway, the light went out and everything was pitch black. She couldn’t see a thing and while searching for the light and the toilet she ran into a wall. Wearing sandals as it was a hot summer day her foot hit the wall hard. She had no idea in which direction to turn but found the small stairs. With the door open just a little, the light from the hallway upstairs shined into the smaller place. Suddenly she felt so dizzy. She looked at her foot and her toenail was completely ripped off. She didn’t feel a thing. She decided that this party wasn’t going to be so fun after all.
Suddenly she saw herself. She was sitting downstairs leaning against the wall. The dim light shined on her face. She looked confused. ‘Will nobody ever love me’? ‘No’, said her father, ‘no one ever will’. He was there, she saw him standing with his back towards her and he was looking at the girl against the wall, which was also her. Kelly stood and watched. She didn’t knew her father, she had seen him maybe 4 or 5 times when she was a little girl and it was not cordial. ‘I never wanted you’, her father uttered, with a cold an icy voice. She looked at her foot, she knew she had to feel pain but she didn’t. She looked at the stairs, hoping Dylan would show up to take her away from this horrible place. She knew she needed to feel pain but she didn’t. Her father disappeared just leaving a big hole inside of her. She got up, went to the toilet as planned and returned to the party.
At one moment she decided she wanted to jump. Just jump and fly. Fly away from this hellhole. From this hole inside of her. From the pain she couldn’t feel but knew it was there. She knew it was going to erupt one day and wanted to beat that day. Let’s show that day what she thought of it. She ran upstairs, trying to get up to the roof. She didn’t find it and the next best thing was a bunkbed. Furious she climbed into the highest part and was held down fiercely by three of her best friends who noticed these strange developments during the night. She fought like a devil who fell into Holy water. She kicked, she bit, she spit, she did everything she could to free herself of the burden of the present moment. She threw herself into all directions possible, bumping her head severely against the wall and the bed. Finally she fell asleep.
She woke up with a small headache, some recollections of the previous evening and big bruises on her head, on her arms and legs. She took her bike and went home. She asked her mother what exactly the story was between her and her father. Her mother started to cry and Kelly learned to keep her mouth shut. The hole was still there but it would never would be given a voice again.