Hello dear reader, I hope you’re doing well or the best that can be in the moment. I’m glad that you’re here. As I did notice yet more surprising symptoms, I would like to write them down for you. Maybe you noticed some things too in your journey through life.
Huge amount of guilt. I can feel guilty about all things, simple things. I know I’m maybe too harsh on myself but I don’t know how not to do that. I try though. I feel guilty because I’m not able to take proper care of me. I can do all these more complicated things. Like, look at me writing a whole blog and articulate my thoughts. But to put some effort to take care of (physical) me seems the most difficult thing in the world. I tried to give my brain a rest and ‘just do it’. The result is that I overdo it (whatever I do) and I’m exhausted again.
How to find a balance between the hart and the head? I don’t know why they can’t get along. Can’t they play nicely? It’s always the one trying to overpower the other while they are experts in their own field. And I sit and watch this happen and I feel guilty that I – as an adult – am not able to ‘just do it’ and make them play nice.
I also feel guilt for ‘small’ things or things I can’t control. For example: I feel guilty when I use ‘a lot’ of water. When I need to go to the toilet ‘too much’. I am fully aware that there a people, animals and plants in this world without access to water. I think that’s horrible but I can’t help that. I was always aware of those things, I try not to waste too much but I never was as sad about it.
Feeling of fainting . I experience this one when under more pressure than I can handle in the moment. At first I didn’t know what was going on. Now I learn to work with it. I recognize this as a big signal, a huge red flag to stop what I am doing. To take myself out of the situation. If not possible I look very realistically at what is going on. Am I in a lot of traffic? Are there a lot of people? What is my goal? Is it to do groceries? Fine, I’ll look at my grocery list. I do have the time. I can ‘rest’ a bit and just look at all the sorts of toilet paper the store has. I don’t need to buy toilet paper, so no stress there. When the feeling goes away, I am ready to proceed at a more slower pace than before. One at home I know I’ll need to pay attention to myself and examine what I can or can’t do for the rest of the day.
Feeling invisible. This is a weird one. Sometimes I feel like I’m invisible. Not in that Harry Potter kind of way. When I am walking down the street, people sometimes bump into me like I am not there. Sometimes they are busy on their phone and sometimes they are entitled (I think) to ‘their’ place on the sidewalk. It could be them being not nice but it leaves me with that feeling that I am not to be seen. In the supermarket in was waiting in line to weigh my veggies. I was dreaming or being occupied by the intrusive thoughts (later more on that one). A lady swoops in, like I am not there. I see this happening and I start to think if I want to give the situation the energy to speak up. I didn’t wanted to do that because my energy is so precious and very limited. But yes, these kind of situations make me wonder if I am invisible.
Intrusive thoughts . Oh these I really don’t like. I’m not talking about the more existential thoughts about life and death. They also differ from my inner critic who needs to point out what is wrong with me. I experience intrusive thoughts while I’m walking for example. Suddenly they flash through my brain. The most common one are: ‘I don’t feel good, I don’t feel good, I don’t feel good’. It doesn’t stop, it goes on and on and on. Another one is: ‘I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this’. The most unsettling ones are ‘nobody loves you’ and ‘nobody cares’. I don’t know if they hold a warning to take it easy in the moment. They feel more like, when not controlled, they could end up in a more panicked state of being. Mostly when I notice them and pay a little attention to them, they slowly go away. But overall it’s not fun. They interrupt everything I was thinking or doing at the time.
Closed curtains. I don’t always open my curtains, that’s just me. First, I don’t want to let the whole world to know that I’m in and second, I do live in a city so my neighbors’ windows are 6 meters on the other side. We can easily see what the other person does. But I noticed that sometimes I want to shut the outside world out. Sometimes it’s just that. Sometimes I want to feel safe in my own space and the curtains help me to do that. I have three windows in the living room/kitchen. When I feel slightly better one curtain opens up. Three is the top score but it really doesn’t happen a lot. It’s just a small thing I noticed.
Did you enjoy this post? Do you suffer with mental illness? Did you notice some of those little, strange things? Or do you have tips on how to deal with them better? You can always let me know in the comments! If you are interested in other surpring symptoms, for me at least, you can find them here: part 1, part 2, part 3 and part 4.