Hello and welcome. How are you today? Are you curious what surprising symptoms I discovered during my journey while struggling with mental health? This post is for you! I never imagined all of the things I would come across besides the more known ones. Here we go …
Loss of finances. Stating the obvious and reality calling! I can write and think about my feelings and difficulties in life all I want. I can investigate the causes of depression and its consequences. But the truth is that I am not able to work at the moment. I experienced some difficulties with my health insurance here and there, which leaves me without an income for periods around a month or a month and a half. Then they do pay but I need to be cautious to be able to have some cash in scarce periods. Luckily I don’t need a lot of money because I don’t do a lot of things due to fatigue and loss of motivation. On the other hand I do have monthly expenses and every additional expense (a broken heating or a visit to the dentist) is a source of additional tension.
The road to recovery isn’t free. My psychiatrist referred me to a therapist. The first one was an absolute disaster but did cost me 50. The next one costs 80 per session. But what can I do? Can I tell the doctor that that’s a bit out of line? That I don’t want to go except that I do because I need to get better. There are also some little losses of money. When I do manage to get to the store I plan ahead for a few days. More often than not my plans to eat better aren’t realistic and I don’t use the stuff up. It goes bad and I need to throw it away. I feel guilty and it’s money down the drain. When I’m not able to go (I don’t own a car so it’s all on bike for me) to the cheaper store which isn’t in the city center (duh!), I need to visit the smaller nearby shop which is more expensive. One needs to pay for comfort. Only for me it’s not comfort but a necessity.
Being sick makes poor.
Routine/no routine. At first I was drawn to a routine. I adapted my lifestyle with one and one goal only: to make my life easy. I wished that everything would go so smoothly and that everything would be so clear that I didn’t had to think about it anymore. No worries and no stress. If only the stress would go away, I would be de-stressed and therefore forever happy. Maybe not happy but I would create the space in my life to be able to be myself. This led me to apply some changes in my life on different levels.
Now, I’m wondering why I made those changes. Is it because I liked them or was it to escape the difficulties that I experienced?
What do I mean? I had ‘everything set’. I had ‘work’ clothes, always the same pair of jeans (I have 2) and a top. My esthetic was set. Hair: easy updo (always the same) or cut into a bob (easy!). Shower: every day, not to worry about hygiene. Home: minimalistic approach because easy to clean. Food: vegan because just veggie and fruits, no need for other ingredients. Do you see a pattern here? Hobbies: surfing (holidays destinations limited); yoga (planned me-time) and working out (to be able to better surf). Cleaning with a routine (just do it and get over it.) The home was always clean so I didn’t had to worry about it. Except that I did. I was so busy planning and executing my ‘simple’ life that it wasn’t helpful anymore. I became the routine. Slowly I started to live in my head and every feeling of individuality was lost.
As for today the pendulum has swung completely to the other side. I have no routine at all and that’s not comfortable either. Forcing myself to have daily or routine tasks is draining. So with this one I ask you for tips or insight. I find it so hard to keep a routine without going in overdrive. I can’t seem to find a middle ground. I notice that just ‘normal’ tasks like cooking, cleaning, taking a shower, brushing my teeth don’t flow. I can’t seem to do them in a ‘flow’ but I first think about them. Once I start thinking I’m lost or at best some steps behind. I don’t know how to overcome this one. I try to ‘feel’ more and to think less but that doesn’t work. I never ‘feel’ like brushing my teeth. Do you also struggle with those ‘simple’ tasks? Am I the only one here?
This post was a more difficult one for me to write because I’m actively struggling with these points and I didn’t find a solution yet. If you recognize the struggles or have some tips for me, please let me know in the comments. If you are interested in other surprising symptoms I discovered, you can find them here: part 1, part 2 and part 3.