Surprising symptoms of depression and burnout. Part 4.

 

Hello and welcome. How are you today? Are you curious what surprising symptoms I discovered during my journey while struggling with mental health? This post is for you! I never imagined all of the things I would come across besides the more known ones. Here we go …

 

Loss of finances. Stating the obvious and reality calling! I can write and think about my feelings and difficulties in life all I want. I can investigate the causes of depression and its consequences. But the truth is that I am not able to work at the moment. I experienced some difficulties with my health insurance here and there, which leaves me without an income for periods around a month or a month and a half. Then they do pay but I need to be cautious to be able to have some cash in scarce periods. Luckily I don’t need a lot of money because I don’t do a lot of things due to fatigue and loss of motivation. On the other hand I do have  monthly expenses and every additional expense (a broken heating or a visit to the dentist) is a source of additional tension.

The road to recovery isn’t free. My psychiatrist referred me to a therapist. The first one was an absolute disaster but did cost me 50. The next one costs 80 per session. But what can I do? Can I tell the doctor that that’s a bit out of line? That I don’t want to go except that I do because I need to get better. There are also some little losses of money. When I do manage to get to the store I plan ahead for a few days. More often than not my plans to eat better aren’t realistic and I don’t use the stuff up. It goes bad and I need to throw it away. I feel guilty and it’s money down the drain. When I’m not able to go (I don’t own a car so it’s all on bike for me) to the cheaper store which isn’t in the city center (duh!), I need to visit the smaller nearby shop which is more expensive. One needs to pay for comfort. Only for me it’s not comfort but a necessity.

 

Being sick makes poor.

 

Routine/no routine. At first I was drawn to a routine. I adapted my lifestyle with one and one goal only: to make my life easy. I wished that everything would go so smoothly and that everything would be so clear that I didn’t had to think about it anymore. No worries and no stress. If only the stress would go away, I would be de-stressed and therefore forever happy. Maybe not happy but I would create the space in my life to be able to be myself. This led me to apply some changes in my life on different levels.

 

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Content Pixie

 

Now, I’m wondering why I made those changes. Is it because I liked them or was it to escape the difficulties that I experienced?

 

What do I mean? I had ‘everything set’. I had ‘work’ clothes, always the same pair of jeans (I have 2) and a top. My esthetic was set. Hair: easy updo (always the same) or cut into a bob (easy!). Shower: every day, not to worry about hygiene. Home: minimalistic approach because easy to clean. Food: vegan because just veggie and fruits, no need for other ingredients. Do you see a pattern here? Hobbies: surfing (holidays destinations limited); yoga (planned me-time) and working out (to be able to better surf). Cleaning with a routine (just do it and get over it.) The home was always clean so I didn’t had to worry about it. Except that I did. I was so busy planning and executing my ‘simple’ life that it wasn’t helpful anymore. I became the routine. Slowly I started to live in my head and every feeling of individuality was lost.

 

As for today the pendulum has swung completely to the other side. I have no routine at all and that’s not comfortable either. Forcing myself to have daily or routine tasks is draining. So with this one I ask you for tips or insight. I find it so hard to keep a routine without going in overdrive. I can’t seem to find a middle ground. I notice that just ‘normal’ tasks like cooking, cleaning, taking a shower, brushing my teeth don’t flow. I can’t seem to do them in a ‘flow’ but I first think about them. Once I start thinking I’m lost or at best some steps behind. I don’t know how to overcome this one. I try to ‘feel’ more and to think less but that doesn’t work. I never ‘feel’ like brushing my teeth. Do you also struggle with those ‘simple’ tasks? Am I the only one here?

 

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Markus Spiske

 

This post was a more difficult one for me to write  because I’m actively struggling with these points and I didn’t find a solution yet. If you recognize the struggles or have some tips for me, please let me know in the comments. If you are interested in other surprising symptoms I discovered, you can find them here: part 1, part 2 and part 3.

 

 

 

11 thoughts on “Surprising symptoms of depression and burnout. Part 4.

  1. I find routine helpful because it frees up mental energy for other things. But there are a lot of things that I have a hard time making myself care about, like brushing my teeth. Sometimes I force myself to, but often I just think what’s the point?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Exactly, what’s the point? Even without thinking that I don’t do it. I’m not opposed to it. Routines can be helpful but my guess is I overdid them and developped an adversity 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey, I can relate to this. Some time ago I went into routine overdrive (perfectionistic tendencies..) and when I got burnt out there was no routine at all, which felt very uncomfortable! Now I have identified a few ingredients of my everyday life that I feel are very important to me and my health, so I’ve incorporated them into my new routine either daily or weekly, and I plan a good moment for them. For example, I carve out 1,5 hours in the morning to have enough time to get up and do all the morning things but also do my yoga and meditation. I have standard nights (2 per week) for me-time, to do whatever I feel like at that moment. I also have a set afternoon per week for housekeeping duties. And I make sure I walk everyday. Etcetera. I plan everything in a visual digital calendar, and also block time for commutes and eating and stuff, so that I can easily see how much time I spend on things and that I keep enough “blocks” free for spontaneous stuff. It’s all in the balance! Which may be the hardest thing to do, and of course your preferred balance may change over time. I have determined my ingredients out of my core values and what I have experienced to be beneficial to me. With your tooth brushing issue for example; I also don’t feel like doing it but because my health is important to me and it’s one of the simplest things I can do to maintain good health, I just do it. When you’re living based on your values and basic life ingredients, choices get much easier. Hope this helps!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hello Iris, that is a great answer! I’m working on my values. I need to ‘push’ mine before everything else and that is where it doesn’t go so smooth. But I can do a small thing right? Maybe not ‘as big as groceries’ but a little more in the comfort of my own home like ‘brushing teeth’ because taking care of me can feel good. I think that I’ll be able to develop a more ‘block routine’ like you describe in the future but as for now I run from every ‘routine’. I’ll start small. I value your answer very much, thank you!

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  4. I can relate! Due to a couple of bad bipolar episodes I was fired from my job in April. I went broke. Then got a new job in June. One bipolar episode later and I got fired again! I haven’t worked in 2 months. I’m applying for public assistance now. Last week I had an emotional breakdown where I couldn’t get out of bed, shower, eat, change clothes. I have no insurance so I scraped up $130 to see my psychiatrist. The main problem was that without the routine of work, all hell breaks loose. I stay up all night. I forget my meds. I don’t communicate w anyone. Just today I got up and slowly started feeling better. Depression, bipolar, either one can make you lose everything in a short period of time. Your life could be ruined.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It takes everything, it touches on all the aspects of life. It is not only an affective disorder, it disregulates the whole ‘you’. I hope you’ll feel better soon or as good as possible. I’m sorry you had to go through all of it. Thank you for sharing!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I forgot to say, another thing is that you neglect. You neglect yourself, your loved ones, your responsibilities, your animals!!! I think I forgot to feed my dog for 3 days. So he ripped open a trash bag and now there is litter, disgusting stuff all over my house. Ugh!

    Liked by 1 person

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