Surprising symptoms of depression and burnout. Part 4.

 

Hello and welcome. How are you today? Are you curious what surprising symptoms I discovered during my journey while struggling with mental health? This post is for you! I never imagined all of the things I would come across besides the more known ones. Here we go …

 

Loss of finances. Stating the obvious and reality calling! I can write and think about my feelings and difficulties in life all I want. I can investigate the causes of depression and its consequences. But the truth is that I am not able to work at the moment. I experienced some difficulties with my health insurance here and there, which leaves me without an income for periods around a month or a month and a half. Then they do pay but I need to be cautious to be able to have some cash in scarce periods. Luckily I don’t need a lot of money because I don’t do a lot of things due to fatigue and loss of motivation. On the other hand I do have  monthly expenses and every additional expense (a broken heating or a visit to the dentist) is a source of additional tension.

The road to recovery isn’t free. My psychiatrist referred me to a therapist. The first one was an absolute disaster but did cost me 50. The next one costs 80 per session. But what can I do? Can I tell the doctor that that’s a bit out of line? That I don’t want to go except that I do because I need to get better. There are also some little losses of money. When I do manage to get to the store I plan ahead for a few days. More often than not my plans to eat better aren’t realistic and I don’t use the stuff up. It goes bad and I need to throw it away. I feel guilty and it’s money down the drain. When I’m not able to go (I don’t own a car so it’s all on bike for me) to the cheaper store which isn’t in the city center (duh!), I need to visit the smaller nearby shop which is more expensive. One needs to pay for comfort. Only for me it’s not comfort but a necessity.

 

Being sick makes poor.

 

Routine/no routine. At first I was drawn to a routine. I adapted my lifestyle with one and one goal only: to make my life easy. I wished that everything would go so smoothly and that everything would be so clear that I didn’t had to think about it anymore. No worries and no stress. If only the stress would go away, I would be de-stressed and therefore forever happy. Maybe not happy but I would create the space in my life to be able to be myself. This led me to apply some changes in my life on different levels.

 

Content Pixie

 

Now, I’m wondering why I made those changes. Is it because I liked them or was it to escape the difficulties that I experienced?

 

What do I mean? I had ‘everything set’. I had ‘work’ clothes, always the same pair of jeans (I have 2) and a top. My esthetic was set. Hair: easy updo (always the same) or cut into a bob (easy!). Shower: every day, not to worry about hygiene. Home: minimalistic approach because easy to clean. Food: vegan because just veggie and fruits, no need for other ingredients. Do you see a pattern here? Hobbies: surfing (holidays destinations limited); yoga (planned me-time) and working out (to be able to better surf). Cleaning with a routine (just do it and get over it.) The home was always clean so I didn’t had to worry about it. Except that I did. I was so busy planning and executing my ‘simple’ life that it wasn’t helpful anymore. I became the routine. Slowly I started to live in my head and every feeling of individuality was lost.

 

As for today the pendulum has swung completely to the other side. I have no routine at all and that’s not comfortable either. Forcing myself to have daily or routine tasks is draining. So with this one I ask you for tips or insight. I find it so hard to keep a routine without going in overdrive. I can’t seem to find a middle ground. I notice that just ‘normal’ tasks like cooking, cleaning, taking a shower, brushing my teeth don’t flow. I can’t seem to do them in a ‘flow’ but I first think about them. Once I start thinking I’m lost or at best some steps behind. I don’t know how to overcome this one. I try to ‘feel’ more and to think less but that doesn’t work. I never ‘feel’ like brushing my teeth. Do you also struggle with those ‘simple’ tasks? Am I the only one here?

 

Markus Spiske

 

This post was a more difficult one for me to write  because I’m actively struggling with these points and I didn’t find a solution yet. If you recognize the struggles or have some tips for me, please let me know in the comments. If you are interested in other surprising symptoms I discovered, you can find them here: part 1, part 2 and part 3.