Depression and my initial ‘solutions’. Part 3.

Welcome to the madhouse of my brain. Welcome to my blog. In case you are interested in the previous episodes of the madhouse, you can find them here. Part 1. Part 2.

You can read in those parts the things I tried to occupy my mind. The activities that did speak to me at the time or the things I was caught up doing. Escapism is an acitivity to distance yourself from reality.

So, what seems to be the point of escapism for me?

Did it all help? I do not know. What I do know now, looking back, is that it were all big red flags. Something was really wrong. I kept on digging what felt like a big hole. More like a swamp. The more you toss and turn, the more stuck you get. My brain was overworked and my body exhausted. At that point I was not able to look at the situation from a distance and get myself out. That was the point of no return. I remember that my therapist told me I was on the verge of a burnout but I couldn’t process the meaning of it. To be honest, I have a gap in my memory for a good 3 months. The escapism kept me going, but if it did any good? It is a way to survive a very stressful and damaging time. I guess I survived on the will to live, to overcome. I always hoped ‘it’ would change, that ‘it’ would get better.

If we can’t run from our suffering, do we need to accept it?

I discovered the paradox that lies in escapism. It’s very simple: the more I ran from my feelings, the more space the sadness and difficulties took up in my life. There is an urge to accept what you have been given. I cannot close my eyes to my fears, vulnerabilities and the courage that I will need to face them. I do believe in the power of vulnerability. It can be an asset in my life. It urges me not to fall again for things that I don’t really need or want. I wanted to be perfect, I can’t. I need to be me. I need to grow into my own skin.

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Brooke Cagle

What I see now is that I tried to help myself on different levels. And a breakdown touches your life on different levels. I didn’t see what the correct order was and my means were also limited as I am not a doctor. I am actually proud of myself for the effort I made because I shows an optimism (that I believe people don’t notice about me, so I need to brag here), an optimism to make it through rough times and not to give up on yourself. That is my observation that touches me the most. As I believe that people suffering from mental illnesses that are still here, do have an optimism and courage within them. And that is so utterly brave.

I also believe that the feelings we encounter are a part of ourselves. That we need to go through some kind of process. The depression has a meaning in my life, it wants to teach or show me something.

I do not believe we will be able to rule out those psychiatric diseases with the newest technology. Our lives, our contexts, our brains and bodies are a quite difficult matter. Feelings of sadness and difficulties in life are inherent of being a human be-ing. But I am grateful that there are medications and therapies to help us making sense of things and help us cope. I am grateful I live in this day and age.

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unsplash-logoJan Tinneberg

Thank you for reading and feel free to leave a comment below.

Have a nice day!

3 thoughts on “Depression and my initial ‘solutions’. Part 3.

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